I guess nothing's exactly wrong with my life. I mean, I feel like I literally have nothing to complain about. Even though that has never stopped anyone from complaining. I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you ever feel like the life you're living is somehow all wrong (or maybe not all, but major parts of it) and you feel so unsatisfied a lot of the time and trying to tweak it here and there but somehow you haven't figured out which parts need to be changed and to WHAT? I somehow blame all those activism pages, articles and movies about normal people doing extraordinary things, a thousand youtubers online who tell you about the endless possibilities of how to become awakened and alive and spiritual warriors or climate warriors or generally making yourself and the world better with your spiritual practice and all the good you do in the outside world. Are these people real and I'm just too much of a coward to not be one of them? Or are they not real, or at least born into different circumstances that made them more equipped to be like that and I'm just not? A lot of the time I don't even feel inspired by them, I just feel resentful (yep, the emotion no one wants to be associated with). I would feel angry and inadequate and like I've done too little too late and now I can never be this great inspirational person who is both humble and spiritual and also very pragmatic and helping anyone she can. And yes, writing this down makes me cringe. It makes me look like this insecure person who is too afraid to do the stuff she really wants to do and feels threatened by people 'living their best lives'. But come on, am I the only one being overwhelmed by all of this? There are young women becoming more and more insecure and bankrupt because all they want is to be like those skinny, pretty Instagram models but nothing they do or buy seems to get them there. I feel a bit similar, but with people I admire because they seem so alive and have found their purpose in the world and are actually acting on it. I have neither found my purpose nor am I acting on it. Or maybe secretly, since I don't actually know what my purpose is yet? The annoying, 'sarcastic bitch' voice in my head would probably say "dream on, honey", because she never believes I'm doing anything useful or non-selfish.
I think one thing me and my ego are struggling with is to let people in my life inspire me or be happy for them when they are inspired by something. When one of my friends or my mom are trying something new and are getting active in a meaningful way (according to my value system), the first thoughts I usually have are "shit, I am not doing anything similarly meaningful, shouldn't I be doing this too?". Recently I have been trying hard to stay with the other person and not trying to make it about me, so I would try and feel happy and excited for them. However, in the back of my mind I would still try to either 1) justify why I'm not doing this and they are (because they have more time, are not working full-time, have other resources I don't have, etc.) or 2) delegitimise the awesomeness of what they are doing i.e. thinking of how what they are doing is not very relevant and they are not doing it in a perfect and correct way or 3) I scramble to think about ways I'm already doing this or how I can do something similar in the future (which I guess is a bit like letting them inspire me).
None of what I've written so far is making me look very good. But perhaps that's the point. Maybe if I finally admit all these thought processes within me to myself, this is a first step to making real changes in my life. OR be happy with it as it is.
I think the problem is that ever since I was a teenager I had this idea about myself that I would do great things. I don't think I knew yet what these great things were supposed to be, but I somehow felt like I wouldn't and shouldn't live an 'ordinary life'. When I was around 17 I discovered the environmental cause for me, so from then on I felt like I should have an impact in that realm. So I joined an activism group first in high school and later in university. It didn't always feel as exciting and I didn't feel like we were always having that much impact either. But, at least I was doing something. I think I've been having these two contrasting versions of myself that I was aspiring to: one is this tough, no-nonsense, elegant, successful business woman who has power and can use it and one is this free spirited, spiritual, warm and kind person who is living in nature and spreading love in the world. Whenever I see people who were somehow able to combine the two (like Brene Brown for example), I just get so incredibly jealous. Because that's what I want! I want to be successful and powerful within this system, but I also want to do work that is meaningful to humanity and nature. On other days I feel like perhaps the ultimate freedom would be to live as much as possible outside the system or fighting it. It also seems quite exhausting. Because I also like shiny things, I feel comfortable in nice coffee shops and lobbies and nice hotels, etc. I don't think I want to live in a cold, moldy squat house.
My biggest fear is that nothing I've secretly dreamed about will materialise. No business woman lifestyle, no communal nature-loving lifestyle. Just a mediocre in-between lifestyle.
The question is, what do I want? What do I want and how do I want to get it? At least TRY to get it?
What is my ego telling me and what is the great desire that comes from within?
This vague idea of 'doing great things' vs. what am I really burning for? What is it my body and spirit desire and what does my mind just think would 'look good'?
The point of writing all this down was not to barf on the internet, but to understand the meaning behind these jealous thoughts. I think I keep feeling threatened by people feeling inspired or being active in some way (even if this might not even be anything I would want to do), because it triggers this deep fear inside me that I will never manifest this alive and vibrant version of myself. And since I don't have a clue yet what my 'calling' is, I keep getting confused and distracted by what other people are doing and think that they might have clues for me!
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