I've been thinking about opening this blog for a couple of weeks and now I did it. It feels weirdly empowering I must say. I don't have a plan for it, no theme or important ideas I must share. I decided I'm keeping this blog to myself for now. I might even never show it to anyone, only keeping a note somewhere for people to find it if I die in an accident or in another tragic, premature way. Writing like this, in the belly of the internet, feels freeing somehow. I kind of thought it would. On social media I feel quite reluctant to share my thoughts, always apprehending a negative, or worse, no reaction. And I'm too afraid to seem self-important, self-righteous or straight up wrong. I feel anxiety thinking of having to retract an opinion I shared because someone pointed out it was racist, homophobic or just generally ignorant. And I feel like you can never protect yourself from it, since you'll always be ignorant about most things happening in the world outside of your small bubble. Basically, I would feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed if I actually put original thoughts of mine out there that I hadn't fact-checked and verified with people who seem to be just 'right about things'. Even in person, I often feel reluctant to share some thoughts I had, especially if I feel like they may be perceived as vaguely 'controversial'. The more I value the person's opinion OR if I think they are a particularly judgmental species, the more I avoid these topics. It feels empty sometimes, not real. I just can't bear for people to think I was easily influenced or drifting towards conspiracy theories or extreme opinions.
I guess nothing's exactly wrong with my life. I mean, I feel like I literally have nothing to complain about. Even though that has never stopped anyone from complaining. I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you ever feel like the life you're living is somehow all wrong (or maybe not all, but major parts of it) and you feel so unsatisfied a lot of the time and trying to tweak it here and there but somehow you haven't figured out which parts need to be changed and to WHAT? I somehow blame all those activism pages, articles and movies about normal people doing extraordinary things, a thousand youtubers online who tell you about the endless possibilities of how to become awakened and alive and spiritual warriors or climate warriors or generally making yourself and the world better with your spiritual practice and all the good you do in the outside world. Are these people real and I'm just too much of a coward to not be one of them? Or are they not real, or at least bor...
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